You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize