Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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