Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
