I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
