I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
