The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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