I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
