How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
