i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
