I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
People in love make me want to vomit
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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