I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Randomize
