and next time when you feel me up, do it right
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
