yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
