I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize