epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
