Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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