youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize