Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
