I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
