In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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