He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
