Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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