The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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