I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize