so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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