Just fell off a train. Bad.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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