I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
