I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
