Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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