shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
