Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
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