I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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