I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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