Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Randomize
