worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
