Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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