Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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