i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
