watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
