Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
