saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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