i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
