i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
