she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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