I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
