he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
