You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
