never play flip cup with pint glasses
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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