Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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