i jhust puked up my retainher.
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
