i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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