You smell like stripper and shame
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize