threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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