Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
It all started with a game of naked twister.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
