It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
