Kiss
Puke
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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