come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
