remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
