And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
