i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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